5 Weirdest Ways People Tried to Lose Weight

The average person gives up their New Year’s resolution just nine days into January. All those plans to exercise more and eat less are pretty much just thrown by the wayside before the year is even 1/12th of the way over.

The sad thing is, most people want a quick fix. And since chopping off a limb isn’t exactly the best way to lose that extra 20 pounds, people have gotten creative when it comes to shedding excess weight. Here are some of the weirdest ways people have tried to get slim with minimal effort.

5) The Elvis Presley Sleeping Diet

Everyone knows The King really packed on the pounds during his final years (probably from eating those fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches!) What’s less well known is the seriously creepy way that The King’s doctors tried to help him lose that spandex-stretching gut.

One Las Vegas doctor put Elvis on a “sleep diet.” The doc would fill his belly with a solution of sugar and nutrients, and then put him into a chemically-induced coma for three weeks. For a borderline diabetic with colon disease, this is what modern doctors would call “an idea more moronic than Snooki and Sarah Palin combined.” They could have had Elvis chug a 2 liter of Shasta and then beat him over the head with a 2×4, and gotten the same results.

4) Tapeworms

tape-worm-dietHey, you know what sounds like a great idea? Eating a disgusting parasite that can cause anal itching and diarrhea, all in the name of shedding some extra pounds.

The idea of eating a tapeworm to lose weight kind of makes sense. You eat whatever you want, as much as you want, and the weight keeps falling off because the worm leeches calories and nutrients from your body.

There’s just one problem: those worms grow. And grow. And grow. So when you eat a tapeworm egg to lose 15 pounds, you eventually become the host to a worm that can grow to be 35 feet long. Plus, fluid will build up in the stomach, causing the appearance of a pot belly. Eating tapeworms to lose weight is like sleeping with a hooker to prevent herpes.

3) The Master Cleanse

Beloved by celebrities and post-Freshman 15 coeds the world over, The Master Cleanse is a fast where the only thing you can drink is the world’s most disgusting glass of poop-colored lemonade. The Master Cleanse recipe is water with lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup mixed in.

Forget whether or not it works: you still have to drink this foul-tasting slop. Seriously, how did anyone come up with this recipe? Was someone really high and really broke, and these four ingredients were the only things in the cabinet? The ingredients in the cleanse read like something you’d order for $18 at a snooty hipster martini bar, or something you’d stick in a bird feeder if you really hated hummingbirds.

2) Urine Injections

Yup, you read that right. But not just any urine will do! Oh, no, only the finest urine from pregnant ladies will work. A hormone in the pee-pee, human coriogonic gotrophin, allegedly boosts metabolism.

Urine big trouble if you think that you can magically start injecting “the wiz” into your veins to shed pounds. In fact, you’ll probably get pissed off once you learn that this “miracle” fat cure only works in combination with an extremely low-calorie diet. While taking the injections, you’re supposed to only consume only 500 calories a day. In other words, you’d lose weight on that diet, without having to jab yourself with a needle every day.

You can buy these overpriced hormone kits online for a few hundred bucks. Or, you can be the creepy guy offering to buy urine from women outside an OBGYN office. Either way, you’re a creep if you inject yourself with someone else’s urine. Or your own urine, for that matter.

1) Diet Sunglasses

diet-sun-glasses

Here’s the idea behind “diet” sunglasses. If you look at food, and it’s the wrong color, it will turn your stomach. No one wants to eat rice that looks like its covered in a thin layer of blue mold, after all.

There’s actually a whole branch of food science devoted to the idea that color can drastically decrease (or increase) a person’s appetite. There was a recent study that found people who drank hot cocoa out of an orange mug experienced a sweeter-tasting drink than those who drank the same brand of cocoa from a mug of a different color.

But color-changing glasses seem kind of silly: after all, you could just close your eyes while eating to negate the effect. Somehow, we think the people who are looking at a dried-out, 3-hour old fast food burger with delight don’t have the most discerning palates. If you’re already planning on eating something fatty, and revolting, you aren’t going to change your mind just because you’re wearing colored lenses.

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