The Dog Says Hello

Life has many things you must be cautious of in order to NOT DIE X[ Here we distilled and compiled a list of the 7 most deadly things PERIOD! Beware:

7) Old People:

Why?: Old people are deadly for a whole slew of reasons! They could burn down your house by accidentally leaving the oven on because they fell asleep watching 60 minutes. But the biggest reason old people are deadly is their driving. Old people are responsible for 900% of all old people related car accidents. They swerve off the road, drive so slow that time begins to collapse in on itself, and wreck into things since they can’t see over the steering wheel! Worse yet since they are the biggest voters, this carnivorous group of blood thirsty animals won’t be forced hangup the keys anytime soon.

6) Kittens:

Why?: Anything that cute can’t be up to any good! Besides the annoyance of them ripping up the couch or giving you a front stage pass to a good view of cat ass when you least expect it, these fur balls are deadly. The internet is loaded with videos of kittens doing cute things causing people to search endlessly for hours in pursuit of their adorable antics. This leads to extreme exhaustion, bleeding eye balls, and complete loss of any intellectual thought to the point where the brain shuts down stopping all organ function leading to death.

5) Cow Farts:

Why?: Cow farts are one of the most deadly gases know to man! First they smell horrible but more importantly cow farts are loaded with methane, a greenhouse gas. Like cars cows release a dangerous deadly substance into the atmosphere which could make the earth so hot you may burst into flames the instant you walk outside on your boat because the polar icecaps have melted causing the earth to flood. You don’t want to live in Kevin Costner’s water world do you? Fuck vegan-ism! Eat the cows and save the earth!

4) 80s Movies:

Why?: Movies from the 80s, while entertaining, give people an over inflated sense of confidence in situations where there is little to no chance of survival. In karate kid a weak dorky teenager fights and beats opponents much bigger than him when in real life he’d end up beaten into a steamy soup. Most popular during the 80s were BMX flicks like Rad. After watching these films people would literally believe that they absorbed all the skills necessary to pull off these stunts by staring at a screen eating popcorn and Mike and Ikes. People would go out and try what they saw resulting in injuries or head splattering fatalities!

3) Knives:

Why?: Do we really need to explain why knives are deadly?! The only reason knives are on this list is because it’s hard to think of things to put on a 7 most deadly list and keep it funny! The whole point of this entry is for filler, next!

2) Santa Claus:

Why?: On the outside Santa is a kind, caring, loving man that gives gifts to good little boys and girls all over the world. Reality is Santa’s real intention is to erase the pesky “strange danger” line that every adult teaches children by spoiling them with gifts and allowing them to suspiciously – sit on his lap! This seemingly innocent “gift giver” is really in cohorts with NAMBLA and guys in vans without windows making kids easy to lure in without any fear at all!!! Don’t trust this fat man! He’s evil!

1) Chuck Norris:

Why?: Ok – I know the Chuck Norris thing has run it’s course but in case  he finds out we were writing this list I don’t want to risk a round house kick to the skull for not making him number one! Mr. Norris is easily the baddest of ass; he never sleeps, he destroyed planet Krypton, heck he can even dribble a bowling ball. You should never ever get on his bad side, that is… unless you want INSTANT DEATH!