Old-Timey Valentine’s Day Cards Clearly Designed by Serial Killers

Experts say that there are some early warning signs that a person is on the path to becoming a serial killer. These include torturing small animals, starting fires, and listening to Justin Beiber on repeat. But there’s one other warning sign that often gets overlooked: designing creepy ass Valentine’s Day cards.

Okay, we can’t prove that any of the vintage Valentine cards below were designed by ACTUAL serial killers. But take a look at these twisted little cards, and you’ll have to agree: only a psychopath would think these “cute” cards were a good way to score a date.

1) A Card for the Kinky Furry in Your Life


Just look at this hot mess. Unless the girl you’re trying to woo is a Furry who’s into Fifty Shades of Gray, this is pretty much the worst Valentine’s card out there.

And what’s going on with those other animals? It looks like at least one of the birds is tightening the knots, while the rat is approaching the cat with a very creepy look on his face. This is shaping up to be quite the interspecies orgy. Whoever gave out this card probably paired it with a box of gift-wrapped animal skulls and a liter of chloroform.

2) “I’ll Cut You, Valentine!”


Nothing says “Will you go out with me?” quite like a kewpie doll wielding a giant switchblade. The implication here is pretty clear cut: “if you don’t love me, I’ll cut you.”

And what’s the deal with the sailor outfit? That creepy bondage cat was wearing one, too. Did we all miss a memo about sailor outfits being sexy in the 1950s?

Look into those eyes. The cheeks may be cute, sure…but those are the eyes of a stone cold killer.

3) Suicide is Romantic, You Guys.


We’ve heard of puppy love, but this is ridiculous! Is this really how guys used to seduce girls back in the day? Clearly, threatening to kill yourself just to get a girl’s attention is the best way to get a date for Valentine’s Night.

Can you imagine how much trouble a kid would get into these days if he brought one of these cards in to share with his classmates? The gun imagery is troublesome enough, but the suicidal dog just takes this card’s CREEP-O-METER rating up to 11.

And what’s with the blue ribbon? Is that leftover from a previous suicide attempt by hanging?

4) Cool, Cool, Cool


Maybe it’s just me, but all I can think about when I look at this creepy Valentine’s Day card is the scene in American Psycho where Patrick Bateman opens the freezer to grab a container of sorbet. The sorbet, of course, is kept right next to the severed head of a prostitute.

Why did the artist feel the need to draw the panties on this little girl? And look at her closed eye: little girls don’t wear eyeshadow, so that’s gotta be a bruise. Some freak clearly clobbered this little girl and then tossed her in a freezer to die. HOW ROMANTIC.

This is the sort of twisted card you’d expect someone to use as a ransom note on Bones or Dexter. And wasn’t there a whole public safety campaign back in the day to keep little kids from playing in fridges? Just…ugh.

5) The Creepy Pinhead


“Remember me, sweet Valentine?” Yeah, trust me…that horrible little mouth and those chimpanzee cheeks will be haunting my dreams for months. That’s the face of an inbred hillbilly cannibal if ever I saw one.

6) Big Mis-Steaks


Here’s my beef with these meat-themed Valentine’s Day cards…why on Earth did they make more than one of them?!

Okay, little kids are cute. But you can’t just slap a knife into the hand of a five-year-old and expect him to STAY cute.

As for the second image, is that a pink rubber glove on the butcher’s hand, or is his entire arm just stained with blood and gore?

The really creepy thing about this duo of bloody Valentine’s is that they kind of look like the same person, but at different stages of life. Can’t you just imagine this little kid growing up into a deranged butcher, who sends these creepy little messages to chicks he’s been stalking? If you resist his advances, you end up cut into little pieces.

If you want to win over some lovely lady this Valentine’s Day, do yourself a favor: skip these vintage cards, and just get her a bouquet of flowers instead.death-love-valentines-card

Comments (2)

  1. Zulu, Queen of the Dwarf People says:

    I cant speak for all of the other eligible bachelorettes out there, but a creepy cartoon child holding a meat cleaver and a t-bone would undoubtedly win over my heart.

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