Shocking: Lance Armstrong and other celebs use wealth for evil

lance-armstrong-dopingFor a guy with one nut, Lance Armstrong has really got a massive pair of balls.

News recently broke that Lance Armstrong allegedly tried to make a donation in the amount of $250,000 to the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency. The timing of this donation is suspect because it took place shortly before the agency was about to launch their investigation into whether Armstrong should be stripped of his Tour de France titles.

Strangely, nearly everyone in America has been completely taken aback by Armstrong’s devious nature. Despite the fact that Armstrong isn’t the first celeb to try and use their wealth to skirt the law, millions of hopelessly naive Americans are totally shocked by this news.

The news about Armstrong’s attempted bribe that was masquerading as a donation is just the latest in a long line of celebrity financial scandals.

In 2009, financial records revealed that Donald Trump made a sizeable donation to the Hair Club for Men, likely to avoid having to appear in one of their commercials. Sources inside the Hair Club offices say Trump wouldn’t be allowed in their commercials anyway, since his hair is more Pomeranian fuzz than actual hair at this point.

Hollywood actor Jeremy Renner reportedly made a donation in the amount of $100,000 to the Razzie awards, in order to cover their operating costs. Rumors say that Renner was hopeful that his “donation” would put his upcoming movie “Hansel and Gretel” on the map for the 2014 Awards. Reports now suggest that Renner might now become the first actor to ever get a Razzie award for “Worst Attempt at Razzie Judge Bribery.”

“Who knew that wealthy celebrities could use their money for personal gain?” lamented Lance Armstrong superfan Kelly Montgomery. “It’s like learning that wealthy men are more likely to cheat on their wives, or that Wall Street CEOs would use their insider information to manipulate the stock market. It just doesn’t seem possible!”

“Take a tip from me, Lance,” said fellow celeb athlete Michael Phelps in a recent podcast. “If you wanted to drug up, you should have my used my kind of dope, not yours.”

Tucker Cummings – The Dog Says Hello News.

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