The Adventures of Super Hero Man (Chapter 1)

We begin our journey on Earth in a time of great hardship and turmoil. The U.S. has gone completely broke because, in the name of political correctness, Americans have elected a metally-handicap-hermaphrodite-black-Chinese-retard-baby as their president and in case you don’t know anything about metally-handicap-hermaphrodite-black-Chinese-retard-babies… they don’t know much about economics.

Anyway, times are tough. Crime at an all time high. Criminals are breaking into businesses and homes in broad daylight, that’s how bad things have gotten. The good decent people who remain need help. They need a hero.

In a small town outside of Chicago lives a young man – 23, 5′ 9″, 170lbs, just graduated college and now lives at home writing super hero comics to pass the time, his name Mark Smith (we know it’s not a super inspired name but that’s the name we picked while sitting on the couch contemplating names so SHUT UP!).

Mark is your typical geek. He likes comics, computers, super heros, video games and doesn’t have a girlfriend. Mark is a frustrated young man, he’s smart and did everything right but the unfortunate hardships bestowed upon the people made it near impossible for a young buck to find work, even a computer science major. So he did the only rational thing, he spent his days making comics, sleeping and unsuccessfully meeting girls (turns out the ladies don’t want a unemployed dork who lives at home).

The only escape Mark has from the chaos in this wasteland of an existence are his comics. He writes the stories, draws the characters, it is a way for him to immerse himself in a world where he made the rules, saved the day, and got the girl. When Mark wrote his comics he checked out of reality and was consumed by fantasy.

He created and tried out many different characters over the years but his favorite was a hero he did not know what to call. He struggled with names but none seemed to fit. “Mr. explo-doo? Nah that’s dumb… mmmm. How about The Masked Majoure. That’s dumb too, what the heck does that even mean? I got it! Mr. stupid face cause that’s what I am for not being able to think of a name! Gaw!!”

Though he never told anyone, Mark secretly hoped he could one day sell his comics and turn them into a whole new franchise.” Wouldn’t that be something?” he thought “Me, a comic book success!”

“Marcus!” screeched Mark’s mum. “Marcus! You better not be looking at girly pictures on-line! Get your butt in here and help me make dinner!” “ok maaaAAAA!” yelled Mark. Mark got up from his drawing table and slugged down the hallway to the kitchen. “Hey ma, what do you need?” “What do I need? Pha! I need your ass to get a job!” “Ma I told you I tried every place in town, no one’s looking to hire an IT guy fresh out of school right now.” “Excuses Mark, excuses. If you want to make it in this world you got to grab life by the nuts and reel it in. You’re young, you have your health, make something of yourself!” “You know what ma? I’m trying so get off my case ok! There’s nothing more I can do! What? Do you want me to go work at Burger-misters? I didn’t go to school for that!”

Mark started out of the kitchen angry then his mom said “Mark, stop. Look. I’m sorry. I just… you’re my son, my little boy, my only kid and I just want you to be happy. Can you do me a favor? I ran out of some things I need to make supper, can you go to the store?” “… ok mom… what do you need?” “Here’s a list, get these things and if any money’s left over get yourself something. Oh and while you’re there why don’t you say hello to Bethany, I hear she’s single.” “Ma, Bethany weighs 250lbs and has 3 kids.” “Didn’t I teach you nothin Mark, it’s what’s on the inside that counts, she’s a sweet girl you should talk to her.” “ok ma… whatever.” Then Mark headed out the door to get some groceries.

On his scooter he traveled down the road some what distracted as he again was pondering names for his super hero. Mark came to an intersection and stopped at the light. “I just don’t know… no names fit! How am I ever going to write a whole comic book series if I can’t even think of one good stinkin.” Cut short a huge 18 wheeler pulled up unexpectedly, it surprised him in his day dreaming. “Whoa crap! Geeze!” Mark glanced back at the tanker and saw a sign that said:

Extremely dangerous volatile substance. Handle with care.

It struck Mark as odd that a truck carrying dangerous substances would drive through his small town. “Isn’t that illegal?” he thought. The light changed and he continued his journey.

He arrived at “Super Dan’s Super Market”, parked his scooter and headed inside to collect the things on his list. In front of the store was a little white pop-up bus, Mark dreaded seeing that bus because it only spelled grief for him. It was a mobile hot dog stand an old classmate/ bully of Mark’s drove around the city. “Crap” he thought. “Maybe he won’t see me.” Mark stared straight ahead hoping to be ignored.

“Heeeeeeeeeeeey Marcus!” Mark was caught. “Hey Mark! I’m talking to you man! How have you been? Still livin at your moms?” Angry and embarrassed Mark slowly turned toward the bus. “Hey… there… Joe… Yeah, I’m still at home. Things are tough you know?” “Ha! I knew it! Bullshit Marcus, look at me! I bring in a ton of money with this stand. You just got to apply yourself! I should’ve beat you up more in school, maybe then you’d be somebody!” Mark just gave a half witted grin then went inside the store.

Making his way up and down the isles, Mark collected the items on his list. With a few bucks left over he wanted to check out the comics on the magazine rack. “hmmm, I know the new issue of ‘Mega Mind Master’ is out but I don’t see it?” (then he glanced over at the nudey magazines, then back to the comics) “Guess I’ll just get the new ‘Captain Extreme’.” Mark threw the comic in the cart and went to check-out, the only free line was Bethany’s so he unwilling walked up.

“Hey Bethany” said Mark. “Mark! I’m so happy to see you! We haven’t talked in forever! I’m single now, kicked Raymond to the curb after I found out he was cheating on me.” “Yeah, my mom was saying something…” “Really?” Bethany exclaimed. “Wow. I guess the whole town knows… So. Your total is twenty six dollars and ten cents.” Mark handed her the money, grabbed his things and headed out. “Wait Mark. If you ever want to do something sometime time give me a call” then Bethany handed Mark a piece of paper with her number on it. Mark gave Bethany a reluctant smile and nodded his head to falsely indicate he may call.

Outside Mark saw Dan talking to his customers with a big dumb grin on his face, “asshole” Mark thought. He proceed to the parking lot, suddenly the sound of tires squealing and motors revving burst out of nowhere. Mark’s eyes darted around looking for where the noise was coming from, up ahead he saw a group of people on motorcycles chasing what looked like the same 18 wheeler he saw earlier.

The bike gang was surrounding the truck, some were swinging chains and a few had guns. The convoy was flying down the street heading right for the super market parking lot. “Shit!” yelled Mark then he dropped his bags and ran back toward the store.

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Awe fuck! uhh… shit!” Mark didn’t know what to do. In shock he just stood there inside the store jittering around, he wanted to warn everyone but was kind of frozen in place. A customer, on her way to the entrance, bumped into him and dropped her things. “Hey asshole! Watch where you’re goin!” the lady shouted! “Bike! G-Guns!” stuttered Mark.

Before either of them could say another word the sound of gun shots became loud and obvious. Mark and the lady stared at each other confused and frightened, then there was a HUGE BANG! Something exploded! What followed was the terrible sound of metal scraping on pavement, some crazy stuff was going down outside! Metal screeched and scraped, guns shots fired, people were yelling and screaming, all was a panic! Then a big, THUD! The building shook violently and dust filled the air as things fell off shelves near the front of the store. Mark quickly ducted down into the fetal position hoping to come out of the event unscathed.

When The dust settled and people throughout the store came out from cover to see what happened. The tractor trailer had broken though the front wall. Bricks scattered all over, dust and dirt covering everything, groceries and products spread everywhere. The driver of the truck smashed up against the front windshield, it was cracked and he motionless. Some of the patrons crept slowly toward the scene, including Mark. “Look!” someone shouted! The tank on the rig had been pierced by something and a bright orange fluid was seeping out giving off steam and a strange stinky odor. Mark moved closer to the liquid, for some reason he was a little too curious about it.

Quickly everyone’s attention turned as motorcycle engines geared up. The bikers, in true a-hole biker fashion, drove into the store! They flew up and down the isles intimidating everyone, breaking things and firing their weapons into the ceiling.

Mark looked up and saw one biker rushing toward him causing Mark to loose his balance, fall, and land right into the orange gooey mess pouring from the truck. “Ah! Freak!” Mark screamed. “This stuff is freezing!” Mark got up as fast as he could to get himself out of the orange puddle. “Dude! What the heck is this stuff?! It’s like, as cold as liquid nitrogen!” Just then another biker came roaring by then WHAM! Knocked Mark out cold with his club.

“… fudge-berries… dude… my head… what’s going on?” Mark opened his eyes, everything was blurry and really quite. “… man… what did I do?… ehhh…” Then mark shook his head trying to snap out of it. As his vision came into focus he could see people all around staring right at him. “Umm, hello? What’s going on? I don’t know how I got here? HELLO!!” Then someone pointed at the floor indicating Mark should look at something. Mark turned his eyes downward and saw he was floating.

Comments (3)

  1. Josh says:

    That was an awesome story and pretty funny! What was the orange stuff supposed to be?

  2. Zulu, Queen of the Dwarf People says:

    Love it!!! Can’t wait to see what happens next!

  3. Mr. Roboto says:

    Why exactly did Mark go looking at the orange goo in the 1st place? Any idiot knows something like that is bad. Mark sounds dumb!

    Good story though

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