Zombies! A Survival Guide

So. You woke up one morning to discover that most of the world became zombies while you were sleeping! YOU LUCKY SON OF A BITCH! YOU NOW GET TO KILL PEOPLE AND IT’S LEGAL! WOOO!

Besides taking out zombies your other goal is to not get dead which will be a challenge. Many survivors will try to make it in this post apocalyptic world but only the strong, skilled and intelligent will survive. This article is to help as many people as possible live and overcome the zombie population so they can regroup and begin the important task of repopulating the earth.

 

Step One: F$@K!

The first step is likely the most chaotic and the most critical moment in your zombie survival. It’s at this stage you’re mostly likely to get bit but you must stay calm and think fast! To survive this stage you must be on high alert and cunning as not to get spotted by zombies, the last thing you want is for these brain eaters to know where you are.

First – Gather the most useful weapons you can find and fast! It’s important to note “most useful.” You can’t carry a whole bunch of weapons because that will slow you down, plus you need to be able to carry food and other supplies.

Second – Get something to carry stuff in, best thing to get would be a back pack with lots of components that securely straps on (the kind with the snaps in the front as well as shoulder straps). Whatever you choose it needs to be easy to lug around especially in heated engagements with the undead.

Third – Gather food and water quickly. Get things high in protein and carbs, you’ll need the energy. As with weapons don’t take more than you can carry or you’ll be slowed down increasing the likelihood zombies will rip you to shreds. Avoid junk foods unless that’s all that is immediately available, stay focused on nutrients – you’ll need it.

Fourth – Find shelter! What else!? Best thing is to get up as high as possible. Roofs are ok but only temporarily because you’ll be exposed to the elements. Probably the best place to make camp would be in a several story home or building. My advice is go to the top most floor and take out any steps, elevators, whatever leading up to you (bring a ladder and rope of course). Doing this will create a natural barrier between you and the zombies in case they find out where you are they would then need to get to you (which considering they’re brain dead this would be near impossible for them to figure out).

Step Two: Plan You’re Next Steps

If you make it to stage two consider yourself lucky. You made it past all the chaos and blood curdling murder taking place and found a safe haven, at least for now. Assuming that you are in a populated area you’ll need to consider somehow getting the heck out of there. Why? Simple – sustainability and annihilation.

Sustainability – It’s unlikely you’ll be able to stay where you are for very long because eventually you will reach a point where you’ll need more food and weapons. Scavenging when it’s safe will only work for so long and is pretty dangerous in any area with a decent size population. You need to be somewhere with better more accessible resources.

Annihilation – It’s likely that once governments understand the zombie infestation they’ll try to get rid of them through various means. If the movies have taught us anything the strategy will be save whomever they can as quickly as possible then bomb or even nuke the whole area.

So where do you go? Country side plain and simple. The more secluded an area the better – less likely zombies will get you. If you run into survivors out here be skeptical and befriend others with high caution.

How do you get there? By any means necessary and accessible to you within reason. Extravagant plans to escape will likely result in failure. If you don’t have transportation available to you don’t go out of your way to get a vehicle, it occupies too much time and can easily result in death. Go on foot if you have to but be well armed and stay out of sight. In area with a populous zombies aren’t your only danger – other people are too.

If you’re lucky enough to have a vehicle haul ass the heck out of wherever you are! Don’t be timid unless there is good reason for it; Example: You need to travel through an area you know could have road blocks and rubble. It would be dumb to haul ass and draw attention to yourself only to get stuck.

Stage Three: Build or Submit

Your goals now need to consist of living, protecting yourself and assets. Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton types won’t make it here (Heck they won’t make it past stage one. A Paris Hilton zombie ewwwhhhhaaa, makes me shutter. Kind of an oxymoron though).

Fundamentally at this point you have two choices to make, try and survive on your own or look for any possible military ran colonies. Self survival will be hard but undoubtedly you will have your freedom. A military protected camp will be much safer on a superficial level but you always have to weigh the possibility that if a threat broke out at the camp you’d be back a square one. Plus a military camp will require you follow strict rules, maybe even force you to do things that go against your values.

The choice you make comes down to what you think is best at this stage of the game which is impossible to predict at this point. If you have any type of competency in self-survival I suggest doing it on your own or with a small group of people. You’ll need to start by building a shelter and establishing a food source. Shelter should be high above ground and food should be grown or gathered from a spot that is safe from contaminates. Anything by a stream could be deadly because the zombie causing agent could be water born. Becareful of animals too. Animals could be carriers of the possible zombie infectant but may not actually be harmed by it. Always thoroughly cook everything! (oh and if animals do become zombies too… go to the military camp!)

Ultimately survival comes down to smarts and not making rash decisions. In this zombified world you have to resort to basic survival instincts but at the same time preserve your humanity which in some circumstances will be tough!

AIM FOR THEIR HEADS AND SHOW NO MERCY!!

Comments (7)

  1. Mark says:

    Awesome post! Zombies are the best!

  2. Nic says:

    I think probably the most important thing you could do in a zombie outbreak is get up high or underground. Staying at ground level is dumb because your really just asking for trouble. Better to stay out of the way

  3. me says:

    zombies frecking scareeee meeeee

  4. foolinlove13 says:

    Amen brother, I am ex military(5 years) and have been a butcher for 8. 28 days later,reminded me of how things would be in a military environment l Would die before I let harm of any form come to them. HOOO FINGG RAAAAAWWWW !!!! and God bless the U.S.A!!!

  5. Kelli says:

    Your story-telling style is witty, keep up the good
    work!

  6. Zulu, Queen of the Dwarf People says:

    I heard once that pie was actually a good defense against zombies – has this theory been tested yet?

    • chase says:

      I don’t think a pie would do good if you watch zombie movies they can get shot in the sholder, Waist chopped off, Cut open but all that works it shoting,stabing in the head a pie is like a pillow. And a pie cant kill a human. And if you say a zombie isn’t a human well a zombie must be stronger beacuse they can kill over 90% of the life on earth

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